Homeless in Bombay contd.....

Now you know the place where I stay and with whom I stay. The area is called 4 Bungalows...I have always wondered why is it called 4 Bungalows when I haven’t seen a single bungalow there. All apartments. In Indian English ...its FLATS but apartment sounds stylish you see. I am sure you have figured it out by now that I am a typical female particular about what sounds stylish. Now here is the description of my first day at my new home. I am least bothered to unpack. Living out for 8 years now has taught me that packing n unpacking is a waste of time.Now…about this new house. I chose which room I would like to stay in. I was given an option. Kiran's room or other bedroom. This is how I chose one of them.
Dev: Kiran you look like my sister. (Please stop laughing but its true...the facial features were like her. Its not necessary I always lie.)
Kiran: So you are happy now babu? Dev: aww#$%^&&...(whoz babu?....ooohhh its me lovingly...I have heard of dolly, dollya, dollu, dolldu, dev, DJ, Devdy, shemdi, and all sorts of rhyming words which are invented by my liberal and generous friends and relatives who have each conferred on me a name of their choice. It shows the closeness you see. The more slang it sounds the deeper the love. Its good to exercise your facial muscles and twist the tongue, make those chuckling weird noises however you want, especially while expressing love through names or anyways.....you know what I mean! We all love to end a name with any syllable with open mouth at the end...like yawning and then pull the word long. Like dollyaaaaaaa :O ) So now on I am Babu. "B" is no where related to "D" but its my name anyways..no one has patented usage of names.
Dev: Yes. Very happy. (For all those who have seen me with that fake 90mm smile you can picture me. For rest of them...well I have really BIG smile. I have a typical way of smiling where I stretch my lips almost to my ears and show my misaligned teeth. And hey remember my dentist? Well I have paid a bomb to maintain that smile. )
Kiran:You can stay wherever you want. I do not lock my room. The whole house is open to you. (Excuse my assumptions/ignorance but I thought I was paying equal share and the whole house is open to me)You have everything here. You want, you can watch the TV in my room(not that I don’t pay for it). Or if you want, you can stay in my room. See I have a double bed. The other room has 2 single beds. If you want we can share my bed. I have one cupboard and it is full. I come in any time during the day (later I found out the day has to be replaced by night. You see the F! Industry has adhoc timings). So you decide.
Dev:(No points for guessing which room I took. Ofcourse the other one.) Where do you work? As what?
Kiran:Creative Drector for reality shows. Well I have this thing for creative people and that makes me happy. Actually. I already build plans of how to learn something abt creative direction from her and how I will get to know more people from the industry. How it will help me in making a documentary. Scripting etc etc. I pass the entire day sleeping. Thats what I do when I am not seeing any guy and my poor phone has run out of cash or battery. All the while I hear her on phone making frantic calls for help. My curious nature or maybe my nature which always tends to search for trouble doesnt let me sleep. I go to enquire and find out she is in need of cash. Let me clarify...she didnt ask it from me directly at all. But I have been a jackass all my life..giving cash to any one who needs it and later listening to "I didnt for ask it". So I offer to give her a fat amount only for one evening. Now how brainless can I be!!!! If it was the question of one evening she wudnt need it at all right? But then remember? I told you she resembled my sister...and I have a weak mind when it comes to relationships. I go out walking, hunting for an ATM and withdraw all the amount and give it to her at the exact hour I promised to give!!! I think that I have helped someone and it matters more than anything and all that emotional spiritual debate I told you about..... Next day there is no conversation about the money. Nor the next to next day. Neither on the following days. ... (you must be wondering why was I even surprised!!! It was bound to happen)
Well in the mean while I told proudly about my deed to some of my good friends. After speaking to one of them I realised they wud scold me so I reduced the amoount to half while telling it to other friend. Guys if you are reading it...plz dnt search for your phones to call and curse me..I have got back the entire amount.
Remember Vivek? Well he was royally duped of hefty amount once. And I had made his life sorrowful and miserable to no limit since that day. And when I told this to him...he could'nt stop laughing. So now we both were in the same boat. And he sowed this seed of Fear in my mind. I wont get it back. And then all I culd think of was..how to get it back? You have an idea about my panick attacks related to less money? Oh you must not imagine it. Its very typical....too. I take a paper n pen or open an excel sheet(IT generation) and start putting down numbers...using all the mathematical formulae I was ever taught since school. Then I plan for an entire month...maybe quarter sometimes...also an year if I dnt see extra money at all. Basically...upto the time I can see some extra cash in the account. ***Please note that the day has not been seen in reality till date inspte of all the calculations for 4 years now*** Maybe I can take refuge in my spirituality and say...I am like that sparrow which doesnt carry food home for next day...You know I dont carry any cash to the next month. Whatever I earn this month I finish it this month I aint Selfish!!! So what precisely happened for next week was a financial panick attack. My prime activity every morning was to calculate and calculate and calculate......When tired of it..planning on how to demand for it. like maybe say my mum is ill, maybe say I need to pay for a class, maybe say its a loan EMI coming etc etc. And all the while...trust me folks..I pretended so calm outwardly. I am not sure if I managed it well. You see...I knew what I wud have to hear if I tell the correct amount I gave..so I pretended like nothingz wrong. Like when therez an ant in the wrong place when your are in public and cant move or do much . only you know what is happening!!!! Finally I managed to get the money in 2 weeks...let me not get into the details..but ya..I had to lie a lot!! I am good at that...many of you already know it. Well that was the first day at my novel apartment.!!! Bombay started teaching life since the first day.
And days went on and on. I started walking a lot in Bombay...and the result is visible. I don’t exercise but I am maintained and you have to agree to that. I am not inspired by the Indian models but only by the Firang models who I hear are banned from modelling if their BMI is low!!!! A little self obsessed you see. There have been a lot of funny incidences and revelations by Kiran on an ignorant small town gal Dev(who has been living in pune n bangalore for few years now) The more I came to know abt the F! industry the more my definitions change. Like: clothes---->hindrance in one's activities. Most precious and treasured articles which need to be safely locked in the cupboards as using them might spoil your image. We were born without them and must stay without them. They are objects to acquire but not use. Lemme say like an engineer...learns a lot of mathematics and then locks it up somewhere and loves to boast of it that he/she knows a lot but never use it nor do they need to use it for survival. I have compared it deliberately...coz we poor other profession people have intangible things like knowledge and it can only be compared with tangible things for the F industry people.
affair----> something remotely related to the word love. Where
An = T(nf+Xn)
Its a cyclic expression actually. Time taken to find another guy/gal with following conditions.
An=next Affair, nf=next's friend, Xn=the current which takes the value of constant X as best friend.
Please note that the (n-1) are removed from the list on a continuous basis. For all those who didnt get my equation...its simple...its only a short time you spend with one guy, find his friend, make his friend your boyfriend and amiably make your ex guy your best friend.
Accessories----->for guys its pretty gals and for gals ....correct its the reverse. No points for guessing this also. No one can go out without an accessory
IST---->Doesnt the day start at 12 in the night and end at 7 in the morning? And I thought its only the IT sector who have to suffer due to these Americans.

And loads more. But then I cant recollect all of them now. So Babu (dont forget its Me) is living her life well busy in the office on weekdays and at mom's on weekends. So you see...I get lessons on "Life in Next Gen India" during weekdays and on weekends "Life in Ancient India" And People ask me why am I so confused? All the while what hasnt changed is REX...He continues to be equally loving and growing fat at a constant rate. Now one fine day I go home (meaning my mom's place which is not in bombay) on the weekend as usual. And I am extremey bored of the pre-Neolithic beliefs and simple living practiced at home. So I jus decide to come one day early to bombay. Also you guessed it correct...Ofcourse there is someone I have to meet n go out for a movie or maybe a dinner. Saturday the 21st Feb 2009. I return back to Bombay.

Now guys....therez something I forgot to tell you. My hatred for Smokers. I have this taurean nature. If I get stuck on something I get stuck. Now I feel smoking is bad. Guess why? Well I have a theory of my own. We have all heard of our so called Gods drinking Soma Raas (isnt it alcohol?)And holding court programmes for dance n drama (isnt that like theatre or maybe ........I don wanna be really bad..who knows if one of the Gods read it and get pissed at me?) So we have heard of Gods doing lot of things...even that Dope kind of thing. But Ssmoke? NAHHHH mind you... hukkas came in later. And plus...taking liquid into the body is natural...but smoke inside the body and choke up oneself? Unnatural!!! This is a baseless assumption but I am like that. All you smokers...whatever explanations you give me..I aint gonna change my outllook. And how unreasonable I have been to smokers is only known by my smoker boyfriend and roomies. Kiran is a Smoker!!!! Does it spill the beans for the rest of the story? But hey read on...Therez something funny in that also. Kiran never stops amazing my little brain.

So when I came back home the house is full of smoke. Now I missed telling you earlier but then I am like an alarm clock..keep repeating/cribbing until things are done my way. I have been repeatedly reminding her not to smoke in the house. So when I enter the house I suddenly loose my temper. And God forbid the person on whom am angry. Picture me standing with eyes boiling with rage and all my commonsense and rationality shut down. And suddenly opens the door to my "not so good" language. I demand an explanation. The moment I am upset I am the Boss like every impulsive person from earth. And kiran utilising all her weapons (minus the brain coz it isnt there! you have figured it out till now...so its only looks and clothes and jwellery...which doesnt impress me at all)Well yes there is a weapon she has and that is “Repeat the same thing over and over again with a louder voice everytime”. And trust me it works. However strong you are in your arguments you loose it to someone who repeats the same thing. And there was a big round of questions and answers which you all can guess. And then Someone calls her. I have so lost it that I tell her to first clarify the things and then talk on phone. Well I denied the pleasure of little rest to the tired warrior the moment I saw I am winning. (Remember how Karna died? He asked for "Time Please" but Arjuna didnt allow and killed him, otherwise it was impossible to kill Karna. I learn a lot from mythology and errrr m talking of Mahabharata for those of you who dont know these hit characters. Pleasse don misunderstand I believe in it.I am sort of an Atheist). So I start cornering poor Kiran more. You know the bull. And I get to hear all sorts of explanations like someone else smoked in the house. Like where is smoke? When I point out that there is a cigerrette in her hand and the smoke is from that...she says where is the cigerrette? There is no cigerrette in the house.......................................
PAUSE. SILENCE.
You see m struck dead with that. Now I am lost between earth and mars. I have lost the sense of reality and illusions. Something wrong with my eyes? ears? smell? Where Am I? Newton, Einstien, Stephen Hawking all of you guys.... waste are you theories and works. Some say its particles some say its waves...but all agreed there is matter whatever form it takes. And all my basic science education is shattered to pieces. And am learning new lessons in spirituality. have you heard of the concept of Maya? Well yes...nothing exists its only maya. Like that...the cigerrette didnt exst..its just my imagination and its all maya. ahaahahah :) Well for a second I was speechless and there come those reserved words out of my mouth before I stop it..."F*** man!! I dnt even know why am I talking to you?" And I am lost... The moment Kiran realises that I am speechless she starts off and I dont remember anything after that as I have lost all sense of reality. But then I go and sleep for some time. I mean ya before that I call up the nearest friend and crib about it and take out my frustration. Feel better. And there comes the blow. I hear a knock at my door. And hear someone tell me...This is my house and I shall stay as I wan to...if you talk like this to me..leave this place. I am still okaie okaie confident coz she has to give me back some money and she never has money. But hey I cudnt let my ego hurt right? So I say fine I am going. And she says Fine herez your money.(**I forgot she has a lot of guy friends even if she doesn’t have money**)
Voila!!!!!!! Saturday evening I am standing on the road outside my apartment (sorry ex) with 2 suitcases and nowhere to go in this BIG BAD CITY full of crazy people......
Thats how I became Homeless in Bombay!

P.S. Yes I might have pictured Kiran a villian here but I hope you understand that that was not the point. It was about the funny side of the story and the incidents might have shuffled a little bit here and there as I don remember much. I am still in the trauma and homeless state right now. And Guys therez a lesson for you in that....dont ever have the F! Industry gals as girlfriends unless you also practice the affair wala equation. Hey and those who know me are sure that I have managed somethng or other...so don worry.
**Some names in the story have been changed. The story is real...but names changed for obvious reasons**